Mom Shaming or Just Facts?

Every single day we come across posts that talk about some parenting in one form or another. Did she breastfeed too long or too little, did she have a c-section or vaginal birth, did she leave the baby in the right sleeping position, start food too early? You get the picture. No matter what we do we are judged for it. It seems that everywhere we turn there is someone telling you that you are moming wrong. It has become so bad that anytime we see "shaming" we are quick to jump on it and ask why we are shaming and all the "what ifs".

So what happens when someone writes an article or blog talking about statistics and numbers and experiences only to be told they are mom-shaming? Has the shaming gone so far and been so cruel that when an article is posted about any subject it is automatically perceived as shaming someone? We are so afraid of making anyone feeling inadequate or hurt that we go to great lengths online to make it clear we don't approve of said article. Even going so far as to bully the authors. We can't hurt the feelings of someone reading the article but we can bash the author to kingdom come and it won't matter right?

The other day I saw a blog post about c-sections and the increase of them recently. The author talked about the alarming rise in hospitals and how dangerous they can be. The fact is, it can increase death in women by 60% (NPR News). The World Health Organization (WHO) recommends a 10-15% rate, but for the US the national average is at 32%. Why is it that 26% of low-risk healthy moms end their labors in cesareans (The Bump)? According to the Maternal Health Task Force.

Despite spending large amounts of money on maternal health care the death rate actually increased from 17% to 26% while the rest of the world DROPPED 44%! The rate of maternal death is higher for women of color than for white women. They die at 42 deaths per 100,000 vs. 12 deaths per 100,000 for white women.

So what was the first thing that the comments were saying? Nearly all them were extremely defensive saying their cesareans were necessary and life saving. They immediately jumped to accusing the author for mom-shaming. The author didn't say that ALL of these surgeries are unnecessary. My own c-section was needed due to my baby being breech and growth restricted.

Breastfeeding is another topic that sends people into a feeding frenzy. Every major health organization including the WHO acknowledge breastfeeding as the biological norm. It is a scientific fact that breastmilk is far superior to formula for multiple reasons (including monetary ones for the health industry). You hear the sound-off with every article "I couldn't breastfeed.", "It's every woman's choice to breastfeed or use formula" and the good old "Stop shaming moms into breastfeeding.". There is an entire industry of people who work in lactation. Ever stop to think WHY? It is because it's HARD. Seriously. There is nothing easy about it and then you take the outside forces that block the way (ie. school, work, unsupportive family) and it becomes a disastrous cluster. The average age of weaning is 2.5 world-wide, but nursing ages range from 6 months to 7 years. The United States is known for weaning children as young as 6 weeks so the mother can go back to work with no support for pumping in the workplace. Each culture is used to something different. In the US we have to fight pretty hard for our right to breastfeed, get the help we need, breastfeed wherever we need too,

Every time a new article comes out that talks about breastfeeding one of two things typically happens. Either the article AND the author are bashed for mom-shaming and the science is questioned. Everyone gets upset and feels the need to share their own journey as to why breastfeeding doesn't work for everyone and "fed is best" or an anecdotal story about someone's journey gets picked apart whether it was a success story or one that led to formula and the author is bashed, often called stupid and a variety of other things.

Not everything is an absolute. Not everyone will need a csection, not everyone who wants to breastfeed can, not everyone who co-sleeps will lose a child. We all have personal stories and journeys with our parenting. That doesn't mean that our personal experiences negate science. It also doesn't mean that when an article comes out saying something that contradicts our experiences that the author or science is trying to shame us. It just is. There is no need to get defensive, angry and hurt. If these are feelings that are coming up figure out why.

In this day when couch warriors are armed with the anonymity of the internet, and are able to say whatever they want, we need to remember that not everyone thinks a like. Not everyone have the same thoughts, feelings or knowledge. Just because it doesn't fit our own personal narrative does not mean that it does not have value or is not true.

Next time you read something that ruffles your feathers stop and think. Is this person just being mean and actually shaming or does it feel that way because it contradicts your own experience? It is important to remember that just the facts are different than someone using their own opinion to shame an entire segment of parents.